Two Years Ago My World Changed

Two years ago today I gave birth to a little Angel. Literally. Elijah Jake Hasty was born at 8:36 p.m. on April 7, 2009 and in that instant my life was forever changed.

Jeff and I said hello and goodbye in the same few hours. Something a mother and father should never have to do. But we did. We dedicated him to God and then gave him to Him.

What has the last two years looked like for us? Well, I would like to say that we are completely healed, stronger, and that we are over it. But I cannot.

To be completely healed from losing him seems impossible. I cannot ever imagine me not thinking about how old he would be, what his voice sounded like when he said “Mommy”, what his tiny kisses feel like on my cheek, or not regretting that I didn’t get to see him grow up. Does my heart hurt less, yes. I’m far from a complete healing, BUT…..I have peace when I think about him (as opposed to the terrible pain and grief that I had early on). I guess that’s progress right?

Am I stronger? Absolutely. Most days. Every now and then I just want to curl into a ball and cry wishing that I could hold him one last time. My faith is most definitely stronger. I know for a fact that there were days that God carried me through the sad times. Oh, how he loves me. Oh, how I love Him.

Am I over it? Ha. I wish. I wish. Truth is, I don’t ever want to be “over it”. I want his memory to live forever. I want you to know that I had a sweet little boy who was too precious for this earth.

I was just certain that after I lost our first baby (Jordan) and then gave birth to Mia and Elijah that God was going to use Jeff and I in a mighty way. Why would we have to go through it if he didn’t want to do something great? I saw myself ministering to people on a platform somewhere speaking HOPE (our theme through it all) into peoples’ lives. Have I done that yet? Nope. Are there days when I question what I’m supposed to be doing about it? Yep.

I guess you could say that in the past two years I’ve learned that life sometimes just plain stinks. (For lack of a better term). Stuff happens. Disappointments. Financial upsets. Death. Divorce. Illnesses. Etc. I’ve learned that life is what you make of it. Even though I’m sad I lost them I don’t think it’s fair to my children or my husband to be sad all of the time, act like the victim, and not move on a little. So, I’ve held on to the HOPE that I have in Jesus, woke up everyday thanking God for my life, tried to be a better mother and wife (as well as friend, daughter, Aunt, worker), and tried to point people to the cross as much as possible.

I don’t have it all together, nor do I ever want to appear that way.

I may not have ministered on a platform somewhere in front of thousands of people. Maybe I will one day. But maybe, just maybe, I’m supposed to minister to YOU somehow? ( I don’t know how, so if you know fill me in). Maybe it’s just by letting you know that when bad things happen there is a God there waiting for you to cling to Him. Maybe it’s to minister to my three precious kids so they know that when the unthinkable happens they can make it. Maybe I’m ministering by trying to live my life in a way that’s pleasing to God when people are watching, but even when people are not watching.

I know that there will be a day when all of my questions will be answered. I don’t even know at that point if it will matter?

But for now, I ask you to help me celebrate Elijah’s birthday. Don’t be sad. He’s not. Think about him and smile. There is a little guy in heaven watching you read this and possibly saying “Thanks for taking care of my family”.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for walking this journey with me over the past few years.

Happy Birthday Elijah! Can’t wait to see you again. From Mommy, Daddy, Emmitt, Carleigh, Delaney and all of us.