A Piece of Me

Monday marks five years since I had my baby boy Elijah.  For the past week there has been such an inner struggle in my mind.  A struggle that only I carry.

You see I carried him. I carried him in my tummy and now I carry him in my heart. There is a bond there that only a mother can have with her child.  They are physically a part of you and when they aren't with you it's like a piece of you is missing.

So for the past five years I have been functioning, going on with life, taking care of my family, but yet a piece of me is missing.

I try REALLY hard to act like I'm fine, and I am.  However, I have my days where I just wish he were here.

I dreamt about him the other night.  He was sleeping on my chest.  I could feel his weight on my chest and our bodies moved up and down together as we breathed.  I cuddled with him and thought to myself," Lord, don't let this moment end".  And then I woke up and felt the disappointment and sadness that it was only a dream.  The dream reminded me of holding him and feeling his weight in my arms.  It reminded me of the way he smelled.  It reminded me of how he looked like my other children.

I think sometimes people (even I) are guilty of thinking of a baby that passes away as just "a baby".  However, they aren't just babies.  They are unique.  They smell different.  They look different.  They are someones grandchild.  Someones bother, sister, niece, daughter or son.  So much more than just "a baby".

I don't understand why I have to live without him.  I don't understand why I'm not walking him to Kindergarten this fall.  Why I will never see him play ball or hear his voice say "I love you mommy."
Even though I don't understand, I have to trust God, so I do.  Even though it hurts.

You see not only is that baby boy a piece of me, but he has a piece of me with him, my heart.

I will forever be his momma, who misses him.  And I've learned through the help of wonderful friends and family, it's okay to miss him.

Monday we will celebrate his short life.  We will thank God for getting to see him.  We will remember how precious he is to us.  We will have HOPE that we will see him again one day. We just wish that one day wasn't so far away.

Marsha