Things should have been different.

 

Yesterday was Elijah’s due date. A day that I had dreaded since April 7.

He probably would have been born a little earlier considering that all three of the kids were just about 2 weeks early.  But, he for sure would have graced our presence by now.

This is what should have happened: He would have been showered with presents, flowers and visitors.  He would have been prayed over by everyone.  I would have kissed him from head to toe, counted every finger and toe, and cried and thanked God for him.  Daddy would have held him so proud of his “little guy”, and maybe, quite possibly cried even more than I.  I would have not been able to sleep at all for a while for fear that I might miss something with him.  He would have been passed around like a trophy.  He would have had countless pictures and video taken of his tiny self.  The kids would have come barreling through the hospital door so excited to meet their new brother.  Emmitt would have been so happy to FINALLY have a brother.  Carleigh would have been a mother hen to him.  And Miss Delaney would have beat up any child that came within 1 foot of him.  I can just hear her now,  “MY BROTHER!” I’m positive that there would have been a fight or two or three from our little angels over who would hold him, change his diaper, fed him, snap his car seat, put him in his crib and give him a bath.  Neal and Vivian would have came to the hospital to see their new grandson.  And Neal probably would have been a little shy at first, holding something so tiny.  Vivian probably would have cried and smiled from the time she got there, until the time she had to leave.  Mom and Dad and Angie and Tom would have been there with me the entire time until I had to tell them that it was okay to go home.  They would have made sure that every detail was covered.  They would have fed Jeff, watched the kids for us, and bought more presents for them than little Elijah would have gotten.  Angie would have come over every night after work to hold him and kiss his little face.  Tommy would have told her all the time “Let’s go see baby Eli”.  Jeff would have went to work very sleep deprived and very much smitten with his new son.  We would have probably been a little overwhelmed with 3 kids, a new baby, and school starting.

But that’s not what happened.  The reality is that we did get to meet Elijah. Just not the way we had hoped.  We said hello and goodbye in one breath.  We held him for 5 hours, but it might as well have been 5 minutes.  I feel like I blinked and our time on earth was up with him.  I did hold him, and kiss him, and love on him, it was just so quick.  I wish I could do it just one more time.

I was numb the entire day yesterday. You probably wouldn't have known I was upset, but I walked around feeling like someone had kicked me in the stomach.  Unfortunately or fortunately the day was very busy with just “stuff” and I didn’t get home until around 9 p.m. last night only to have to leave again to stop by mom and dad’s for something and head to Wal-mart for primer for Emmitt’s room.  I think I finally got home around 10:35 p.m.  I didn’t have any major meltdowns.  I didn’t want to cry, or pray, eat, or do anything….I was numb.

Thank you all for your prayers and emails and words of encouragement yesterday.  Thank you all for walking with us through this journey called grief.  It’s been a long hard road.  But we’re making it.  It has brought us ALL closer, and for that I’m truly grateful.

So, for now, I choose life.  I choose to cherish Elijah and let his memory be a happy one.  I choose to still be his mommy on earth even though he’s not with us.  I choose to not be depressed, after all, I have three other miracles and a husband to take care of.

Thank you Jesus for Elijah Jake Hasty born April 7, 2009.  Thank you that out of everyone on earth, you chose Jeff and I to be his parents.  Thank you that he gets to be with Jordan and Mia in heaven.  Thank you for strength to do this.  Thank you for family and friends that love and care about us and Elijah. 

Elijah, I love you buddy.  More than you know.  I’m so happy to be your mommy.  I can’t wait until the day that we meet again.

I just wish that things would have been different.

1st day of school jitters…for all of us!

So Emmitt and Carleigh started school today.  It seems like just yesterday they were little babies, and now they are in 3rd and 1st grade.  My babies are growing up.  Regardless of whether I want them to, it’s going to happen.  I wish I could just get new moms to understand how fast time goes when you have children. 

Before kids it’s all about you.  You go to nice restaurants, have fancy dates, watch whatever you want to on t.v. and actually have a little extra cash to spend on clothes and for men electronics.

Then something happens.  God plants a little seed in side of a mother.  A baby.  Not just a baby, but a miracle.  Something that grows from a little tiny heartbeat.  To a living, breathing, fully functioning human being.  A one of a kind original work of art. 

That in itself is a miracle.  I have six children (5 of which I have seen with my own eyes) and none of them are alike.  Do they favor each other, yes, do the favor Jeff and I, yes, but do they look like an exact replica of us or each other, NO.  Their hands are all different, their feet are all different.  Emmitt is taller for his age, Delaney is smaller for her age. Carleigh has a different nose than all of us.  Mia had the tiniest sweetest hands, and Elijah had long legs and arms and big feet.  Even their personalities are entirely different. 

One would think that since they come from the same “genes”, and live in the same house with the same parents they would be a little alike right?  Not in our house. 

I remember spending at least 3 days after having Emmitt trying to figure out just HOW he was inside of me?  When he was in my stomach he was a “baby”, but when I met him he was “Emmitt”.  I also remember having a strange déjà vu feeling like I had met him before.  When they showed him to me for the first time I just said (in my head) “Of course that’s what he looks like, I’ve seen him before”.

Then Carleigh Rae came along.  By that time Emmitt was 18 months old and it felt like we had only had him just a few months.

Careing for 2 made the days go by a lot quicker and I find myself now looking at pictures to remember the way things were.

I told Jeff last night that we didn’t understand how life was when it was just Emmitt and us.  We had a small duplex, small car, barely any furniture, no agenda, less hectic schedules, and time……time…..time.

Where did the time go?  When did I go from 2 babies to 3?  Why does it seem like I blinked and they all just grew up?

I try to embrace the changes.  I try to get excited about all that they will be learning this school year and how much they will grow, physically, mentally, but most important spiritually.

I find that with every passing year we become a little closer, I love them even more now than when I met them, and they become even more a part of me.  They make me..me. 

They have changed me.  They have made me more patient, more loving, more aware of life (I used to be pretty gullible).  I eat better, sleep harder, laugh louder, and love deeper.

Who would I be without Emmitt, Carleigh and Delaney?  I don’t ever want to know who I would have been.  I’m so thankful for the way they have changed me..for the better.

To all you mommies out there reading this with little ones, I want to tell you to take time today to cherish them.  Soon they will be off to school, off to a friends house, off to football, off to college, off to their wedding. 

I did well today.  I didn’t cry at all.  I sent them off with a smile and a little sadness in my heart.  They are growing up, but I’m excited to see all that God has planned for them.  I get to be their mommy.  There is no greater gift.  I’m certain of that.

How did Emmitt go from this:

to this:

 

How did Carleigh go from this:

to this:

 

How did Delaney go from this:

to this:

 

If any of you ever figure out how to slow down time…let me know will ya~  Because it’s going waaaaaay to fast!

It’s been a Super-Dee-Duper Summer!~

 

 

 

Hi Friends! 

I’ve had a little blogging hiatus, not because I wanted to necessarily, but because life at the Hasty’s is BUSY!!!

Whew, I’ve barely been able to catch my breath.  You know how everyone tells you to start getting you kids to bed early a few weeks before school start?  That won’t be a problem for us because they have been CRASHING every night.

Our friends from Tennessee left on Monday of this week.  We had a great visit with them and the kids love their kids even more than ever.  Can I just tell you that Lorrie very nonchalantly mentioned to me that Steven Curtis Chapman’s son called John Michael when they got back from China and asked if he would still be interested in Drum lessons with him.  I said “Are you kidding, he’s got to do it!”  The kid is an amazing musician and JM already has a musical spirit in him.  If it were us, I would have brought Emmitt over right away.  I’ll let you know if it happens?  What an opportunity though.

The kids have been counting down the days left of summer break.  They are not ready for summer to end.  I’ve tried very hard to make summer fun for them, so fun in fact that they want to be homeschooled so they can be home with me all of the time. Ha.  Indecently their classes start on Wednesday, August 19.  Their clothes are bought, the supplies are bought, the new shoes are bought (thank you mom and dad and Tom and Angie for your help with everything) so ready or not……here they come!

One goal that I had for the summer was to switch rooms out for the kids.  I didn’t think that it was going to happen.  However, this week we finally started switching rooms and they are oh so happy.  Let me tell you, 2 room and 3 kiddos have been a trip.  First it was Emmitt in the large room, then Carleigh came along and we made our office into her nursery.  Then Miss D came along and we put the two girls in the large room and E in the smaller room.  Then E and C decided that they wanted to be together in their own room, so we bought a bunk bed and put Miss D in the little room with her toddler bed which fit perfect in that tiny room.  When we found out about Elijah, we were going to put the two girls in one room, the two boys in the other.  Not ideal, but sometimes you just have to roll with what life deals you.  After he passed we decided that Emmitt is getting big and it’s probably time for him to have his own room again.  So, now he’s back in the little room and the girls are in the big room.  I’ve lost track of how many times that is, but it’s about 5 times too many.  It’s a good thing that I love to redecorate huh?  Anyway….E is loving his privacy in his Mizzou room, and the girls are loving being together. I hope that they spend many nights giggling together.  My plans are to paint this weekend.  We shall see if that actually happens.   But at least they are moved, that was my goal anyway.

Last night Emmitt and I went on a “date”.  We hadn’t done that in a while and it was wonderful.  He looked so forward to it all day.  I told him that he could pick where we would go to eat and what we would do after that.  His choice was to order Dominos, go watch the kids skate at the new skate park, and then head to Wal-mart for a new toy. (He ended up with two new toys, but who’s counting).  As I stated on Facebook, I’m pretty sure I’m his new best friend.  I scored some major mom points last night.  Carleigh has decided that she wants to go to the spa and then to Olive Garden.  I heard her tell Emmitt that she and I will wear fancy dresses on our date. If we do, I’ll take a picture so you can share it with us.

Jeff starts his new class at College next week.  This class will be two days per week from 5:30-10 p.m. It’s a Chemistry class so please pray for him because it will be HARD.

Tuesday we celebrated Delaney’s 3 1/2 birthday.  I made her a half birthday cake and we sang happy birthday to her.  She was so excited as if it were her “real” birthday, and she didn’t even care that there weren’t any presents.  Love it!

I wrote a few notes back about my grandma Thurman.  I just wanted to update you that she is not doing well at all.  They are preparing the family for her to pass soon.  Her heart is working at less than 20% right now and she’s going downhill fast.  She went from walking fine, to walking with a walker, to being pushed in a wheelchair, to now not even walking at all.  She lays in her hospital bed all day.  She is very week because her heart is only pumping blood to the vital organs to keep her alive.  She’s not getting enough oxygen to her brain which causes her to forget every thing.  She doesn’t even remember the visit that Angie, the kids and I made in July.  My dad brought her the pictures of us together and she commented that she it’s been so long since she last saw us.  She has also been seeing her deceased mother, husband (my grandpa) and brother at night.  She tells them that they were just there with her.  I don’t think it will be long for her at all.  I don’t want her to die, but the thought of her spending eternity with my babies, grandpa, and all of her loved ones brings such peace to my heart.  My dad and family will really miss her.  I cannot imagine being without my mother and father on this earth.  I hope the Lord comes back quickly so I won’t ever have to deal with that.  Can I get an amen?

I’m off to go sort books for Mrs. Casey (Carleigh’s new teacher) and then pick out paint for the girls room.  Then I need to return the 12 phone messages that are waiting on me. Ugh!  It might be a crazy life, but it’s our life.

Blessing to you, have a wonderful weekend!

The Mighty Mersh

THANKFUL!

This will be a quick post because I have to teach Jazzercise in exactly one hour and I’m still in my jammies!

I just wanted to let you know how thankful I am this morning for all that God has given me.

It dawned on me yesterday that I have been able to stay at home and raise my children for 8 1/2 years! Wow.  When I was pregnant with Emmitt, I would have never thought that would be a possibility, and here it is reality.  Not only did I get to raise him, I got to raise Carleigh, and now Delaney.

He truly makes a way when there seems to be no way!

Here are a few more things I'm THANKFUL for:

• my husband who provides for our every need, and who loves Jesus more than he loves me and the kids
• healthy children (that’s huge)
• a home
• two cars that never cause us trouble
• food in our pantry
• watching the first step, first tooth, first word, first everything with the kids
• freedom in this country, freedom in the Spirit, freedom in the Lord
• friends and family that HAVE MY BACK when one of the worst things in my life happened to me, not only once but 3 times
• I'm thankful that Jesus loves me as if I’m the only one He ever had to love and if it were only me on this earth He would have came and died just for me!
• that my kids never “want” for anything
• that my bills are paid (not in full, but not late either)
• that even though I don’t get to watch Jordan, Mia and Elijah grow up…I still get to be their mommy, I know that God trusted me with them
• for my sweet sister and mom and dad who I know would do ANYTHING for me
• for this blog…it’s helped me to get to know a lot of you better

What are you thankful for this morning?  Take a few moments this morning and think about all that God has done for you.  You are sure to NOT be disappointed.  He’s so GOOD!

I’m off to dance my heart out!  Have a great day!

Love you all, Muahhh!

Marsha

Our week in review!

Greetings from KC!  I hope that those reading this are having a WONDERFUL Sunday.  I have found that I actually have a little bit of time today to do whatever I want, so I thought that I would write a little to tell you what we have been up to lately.

As I type this every member of my family is watching something different on EVERYONE of our T.v.s.  Jeff is catching up on golf, E is watching X-games, Carleigh is watching the Cake Boss (she loves cooking shows like her momma) and Miss D is watching some goofy movie that we rented for her this week.  It’s a good thing that Sunday is a day of rest, because it looks like that’s what everyone will be doing for the rest of the day.

I have to tell you that today’s service at Sheffield was da bomb!!  Our Pastor is out of town and so one of our other Pastors “threw down” the word.  What I liked about it especially is that he called sin what it is “SIN”.  He didn’t sugar coat it, he wasn’t worried about being politically correct, he just said it like it is in the Word.  Awesome job Pastor Ray!  PREACH!

The last few weeks of summer break seem to be flying by.  I’m trying really hard to get everything done with the kiddos that I wanted to.  I’m going to try to fit in a few more play dates, a trip to World’s of Fun, and maybe a trip to Wonderscope before they go back.  I have also been busy buying school clothes and supplies.  Can I just tell you that I'm going to go BROKE when I have three kiddos in school?  Why does it seem like I’m buying enough supplies for ever child in the class?  I know that they need the supplies but DANG, I’m feeling pretty cheap about it these days.  When I pick it up at the store I calculate the total in my head and wonder if I’m done yet.  I’m almost done and I’m going to be so glad when I can mark that off of my “to do” list.

Do you make “to do” lists?  I am a faithful list maker.  I love to make lists.  Christmas lists, grocery lists, home to do lists, honey-do lists, budget lists.  I have them all over the house.  It’s funny to find them from a few years back and see what I was “listing” about at the time and see what and where we’ve came from.  I love the feeling of accomplishing whatever was on my lists.  Do you know what I do when my list is all checked off?  Make another list!!!  I’m crazy like that.

So, the last time I wrote I had you pray about Emmitt and Carleigh’s tuition for school, and for our Medical Bills.  Although no money happened to drop from the sky, Jeff was asked to work a few extra hours for the next 6-8 weeks to help out at his part-time job.  With the extra money that he potentially could earn, we will hopefully be able to pay off the rest of what we owe for Carleigh’s tuition and pay off the rest of our Doctor bills.  Praise God.  It is a sacrifice for all of us for him to be gone, but we thankfully accept the opportunity that God has given our family. Who couldn’t use a little extra cash these days?

All of this money talk has been majorly stressing me out.  I know that I’m a Christian, I know what the Word says about God taking care of me, but I have still been stressing.  I’m just being brutally honest and letting you know that sometimes you just don’t feel like believing what the Word says.  And then something happens, a gentle nudge from God and you think to yourself, “All right, I’m wrong, I admit it, I know that you will take care of my every need if I just TRUST you”.  Trust is a huge thing for me right now.  I trusted with every pregnancy that my babies would be healthy and that I would get to watch them grow up.  I just knew with loosing Jordan, and then Mia, and the Elijah that that baby would be our testimony.  Although the outcome is certainly not at all what I had envisioned, I still feel that gentle nudge from God telling me just TRUST Him. 

I have been crying a lot over this past week.  I guess that it’s part of the grieving process. I cannot believe that it’s August already.  This is the month that he was supposed to be born.  This is the month that we talked about in December, January, February, March and April.  We planned on having him a little early so I would have a few days home from the hospital before the kids started school.  I knew that August was coming, but when I got on my computer yesterday morning and saw that it was August 1, I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. Yet another reminder that we lost him.  He’s not coming this month, I’m no longer pregnant, and I will not get to see him grow up.  I’m usually a pretty positive person but there is nothing good about that.  It’s hard to see the “up”side for the whole situation. That’s just where I'm at right now.  And I’ll go ahead and tell you that it’s probably going to get worse before it better.  I miss that little guy and all the hopes that we had for him.

My wonderful mother-in-law has decided to do something that will bless others that ever have to go through this.  She is crocheting teeny tiny little blankets for the hospitals.  She’s calling it “Nana’s HOPE”.  Her hope is that people that have to give birth to a dead child, or even one that is only alive for a few minutes or hours, will know that they are not alone.  There is still HOPE in the midst of every situation.  I’m going to type something up with a scripture about HOPE on it and deliver it to the hospitals.  I’ll post a picture when I start receiving the blankets.  I know that I cherish the ones that we have when we had Mia and Elijah. 

I’ve been reading a little about what it would take to be a writer.  My sis and I have always said that we would love to write a book.  A couple years ago, I thought that it could possibly be a children's book.  Now I’m thinking about writing an article about what we’ve been through in the past few years and submitting it to some magazines.  Ya all know I could write a book about what NOT to say to people when they miscarry a child.  We’ll see what happens.  I’m just trying to start making dreams and goals again.  My hope is that it might help just one person to know that they are not alone.

I guess that’s all for now folks.  My family has decided that they want breakfast for supper tonight.  I’m making Banana’s Foster French Toast, Eggs, Sausage, Bacon and Biscuits! YUM-O!  Have to get started on it!  So much for a little time off!  Such is the life of a mommy.

Have a great week!

Marsha