Year 37

Ok. Say it.  You know you want to. My posts are SO RANDOM aren't they?  I mean can I even consider myself a blogger when I blog every three or four months?

The truth is I did not even plan to blog tonight.  It is now late and I have had a full day.   As I was driving home from school I started to think about my upcoming birthday.  I will be 38. 38!?! Wait. What? When did that happen?  When did I get so old?

Saying hello to 38 means saying goodbye to 37. So as I reflect on the past year I thought I would a share a few life lessons I have learned.

Year 37 meant that I now have a teenager in the house. We also celebrated year 11 for Carleigh and year 8 for Delaney.  It also meant that we remembered year 6 without our sweet Mia Hope for which the blog was named and year 5 without our littlest angel Elijah.  I must say there were moments of great joy and a few tears shed over each birthday. Happy tears.  Sad tears.

37 meant crazy schedules, parties, movie nights at our house and sleepovers with friends.   This summer our door became revolving and it was odd to not have extra friends at the house.

37 meant growth for me. Not only developing myself as a person but also growing professionally.

Year 37 meant disappointment.  I had to accept the fact that some people in my life aren't going to be what I need them to be.  It didn't mean they were bad people, just motivation for me to be better in my own life.

Some days I felt 37. Some days I felt 27. Some days I felt like I would never truly have it all together.

God spoke to me this year.  Recently when having doubts about my speaking ability I felt him say, "You be you." Another time I was struggling with taking on more responsibility at the church because I was already maxed out and He said to me " Let me take care of your time."

Speaking of more responsibility...37 meant I would serve in another area of ministry that I never thought I would do...become Children's Director at GracePointe.  I am humbled each week when I get the chance to speak into the lives of our sweet kiddos.

37 meant finding even more love and appreciation for my husband than ever before.  He is the one my soul loves.  He is my best friend, my personal comedian, my protector, provider, and a wonderful father to our children.

This year was full of great moments with my children.  Laughter, tears, cooking together, swimming, being a taxi, traveling, doing homework and crafts.

Probably one of the most memorable trials from year 37 had to do with my daughter Carleigh.  She went through a very painful period toward the end of her 5th grade year and beginning summer.  She lost friends that she thought she would be friends with forever.  It meant growth for her as well because she started to realize what was acceptable behavior as a friend and what was not.  A lesson that ended up being hard on the both of us.  She went through days of self doubt, insecurity and anger.  All the while I walked along side her cheering for her and letting her know those feelings would pass.  I was once 11 and those memories came flooding back to me.

37 mean juggling starting a new college program, subbing more for Lee's Summit and having even more responsibility at GPCC.

Probably the most important lesson that I learned this year was to submit once again to God and His will for my life.  I am such a planner sometimes that I leave Him out of the equation.  He has had me do really hard things this year, things that stretch me, things that are uncomfortable but necessary.

How can this all relate to you?  As God told me in year 37 I'm telling you: "You be you," "Let Him take care of your time," and don't leave Him out of the equation for your life this year.

On Monday I start year 38. A little older, hopefully a little wiser, with an extra wrinkle or two and with memories I would trade for anything.

May 16, 2008

There are defining moments in everyone’s life.  Times that make or break you.  Times of great triumph and great despair. Times when you either become the victim or the victor. 

May 13^th 2008 was a defining moment for Jeff and I.  I brought Jeff lunch at the hospital and just for fun we decided to do an Ultrasound to check on my daughter.  I was 5 months along and we excited to see her growth. 

When her picture went up on the monitor I was met with silence.  The Ultrasound tech excused herself from the room before I realized that the silence meant no heartbeat.  Just a sweet baby girl…..floating in my tummy.  The silence was broken by my then two year old Delaney who suddenly started crying “Baby, GONE. Baby, GONE!”  How did she know?  I still to this day cannot figure it out.  No one said a word but she knew, at two years old. 

The pit in my stomach is something I would like to forget, but probably never will.  I looked at Jeff, and he stood their, eyes wide shaking his head in disbelief.

We were ushered to our car with a two and five year old in tow.  Sent home with a baby in my belly that didn’t make it.  Left to pick up the pieces and figure out what was next.

I will spare you all of the details but two long days later we checked into a hospital at 8:30 pm to deliver a baby that we knew wouldn’t be coming home with us. The long walk down that hallway as we listened to heartbeats and cries of newborns was gut wrenching.

My heart was broken, but the hope of seeing my sweet angel baby before we said goodbye kept us going. I labored all into the night. I was given drugs that made me loopy, nurses came in and “congratulated” me, and there was a constant flow of friends and family.  I finally couldn’t take it anymore.  If you only had a few hours with one of your children would you want to be on drugs that made you feel drunk? Well I certainly didn’t so I had them take me off of everything, and I immediately went to sleep.

I could hear Pastor Fel and Jeff talking on my left side as I woke up and said, “She just came out.” No nurses, no traumatic delivery. Just my Pastor, My Husband and My Sister as we welcomed sweet Mia Hope into this world, May 16^th 2008. God’s presence was THICK in that room.  It was peaceful. There was an angel among us.

Why am I writing to tell you all of this now? Because six years ago I welcomed my baby into this world and then told her goodbye and Jeff and I promised her we would tell every one her story.  She would be remembered but not with sadness, with HOPE for everyone that we will see her again one day.  Her story mattered. 

I can tell you that I didn’t know how I was going to live.  How could I take care of a husband and three other children with such a broken heart? How could I go on with out her?

There are some of you reading this right now going through trials.  Trials that make you want to give up.  Trials so fierce you don’t see how you can live another day. Don’t’ let this defining moment in your life make you the victim.

I want to tell you to keep fighting.  Get on your knees and pray. Reach out to your friends and family to help. Why? Because I believe from experience that six years from now you can be looking back thanking God that you made it.  I’m thanking God that I made it!

Sweet Mia taught us to love, HOPE, believe and dream BIG! Would you join us as we celebrate her Birthday, May 16^th?  Celebrate by loving, HOPEing and believing more and dreaming BIG!  That’s what she would want for us and that’s what God would want.

Happy Birthday Sweet Angel.  Mommy and Daddy love you very much and will keep telling your story.

Sacrifices

My youngest daughter, Delaney, has been suffering with tummy issues for the last four weeks now.  With much prayer, friends help and consultations from her Doctor we are narrowing it down to either a food allergy (possibly gluten) or Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  The poor thing has been in pain for weeks now.  She also doesn't want to eat for fear of her tummy hurting, which has caused her to lose a little weight. She's missed school, soccer games and Girl Scout events  NO fun.

This weekend has been especially bad.  She missed a Girl Scout Campout and a Soccer game due to the pain she was in.  However this morning at church she and her friends were scheduled to do a dance that they had been working on for months.  She woke up doing fine but as the morning progressed so did the stomach pain.  By the time we got to church she cried pretty much the entire time. 

I talked with her about going ahead and doing the dance even if she was hurting because Jesus would give her strength.  When the time came for her to dance she walked down the isle and proceeded to dance for Jesus like she had no issues at all.  The amazing thing was that after she danced.....she had no more tears.  She sat through church whole.  I may or may not have cried a little.  

I'm telling you all this to let you know that today I was once again reminded of something:  Serving Jesus sometimes requires sacrifice.  It means dancing for him even when you don't feel like it.  It may mean getting out of bed on a Sunday morning when you've had a long week and getting to church to be fed.  It could mean getting back into ministry after you've been hurt by others.  Maybe for you it's being obedient and doing what you know He's told you to do. Maybe it's giving children a few jelly beans at church because you KNOW they came to church hungry. For me it's continuing to sing His praises when my last three babies have died.

I have also learned that serving Jesus isn't always convenient.  Jeff and I get tired like everyone else and as much as we would love to sleep in on Sunday and have a lazy day we won't let that happen.  You see we want our children to have a firm foundation.  We want to use our talents and gifts for him no matter what the cost.

And I'm sorry if I'm coming off prideful because I am not.  I am humbled today.  It took my eight year old to remind me that the blessings of being obedient and doing what is right outweigh the sacrifices by about a billion to one.  If He can make my daughters tummy feel better (even if it's just temporary) by simply dancing, imagine what He can do for YOU!

Lastly I'll leave you with a comment that she said on the way home:  "Carleigh, do you want to hear about how Jesus touched me today?"

"Jesus said, Let the little children come unto me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."  Matthew 19:14

Much love,

Marsha

A Piece of Me

Monday marks five years since I had my baby boy Elijah.  For the past week there has been such an inner struggle in my mind.  A struggle that only I carry.

You see I carried him. I carried him in my tummy and now I carry him in my heart. There is a bond there that only a mother can have with her child.  They are physically a part of you and when they aren't with you it's like a piece of you is missing.

So for the past five years I have been functioning, going on with life, taking care of my family, but yet a piece of me is missing.

I try REALLY hard to act like I'm fine, and I am.  However, I have my days where I just wish he were here.

I dreamt about him the other night.  He was sleeping on my chest.  I could feel his weight on my chest and our bodies moved up and down together as we breathed.  I cuddled with him and thought to myself," Lord, don't let this moment end".  And then I woke up and felt the disappointment and sadness that it was only a dream.  The dream reminded me of holding him and feeling his weight in my arms.  It reminded me of the way he smelled.  It reminded me of how he looked like my other children.

I think sometimes people (even I) are guilty of thinking of a baby that passes away as just "a baby".  However, they aren't just babies.  They are unique.  They smell different.  They look different.  They are someones grandchild.  Someones bother, sister, niece, daughter or son.  So much more than just "a baby".

I don't understand why I have to live without him.  I don't understand why I'm not walking him to Kindergarten this fall.  Why I will never see him play ball or hear his voice say "I love you mommy."
Even though I don't understand, I have to trust God, so I do.  Even though it hurts.

You see not only is that baby boy a piece of me, but he has a piece of me with him, my heart.

I will forever be his momma, who misses him.  And I've learned through the help of wonderful friends and family, it's okay to miss him.

Monday we will celebrate his short life.  We will thank God for getting to see him.  We will remember how precious he is to us.  We will have HOPE that we will see him again one day. We just wish that one day wasn't so far away.

Marsha

Counting Backwards

Winter is upon us in Missouri my friends.  Today is terribly cold and the beautiful white snow that fell last week has turned to brown slush.

I have to admit I love a good snow day.  Kids turn their pj's inside out and put spoons behind their pillow waiting to see if school will be called off.  And I love hearing the cheers when they find out that they can stay up late and sleep in tomorrow.  

Do you remember that as a child?  Do you remember how it felt to not have school, and waking up to the promises of having an entire day of NOTHING to do? I still enjoy it as an adult.  Although being the planner that I am, I usually have a craft ready and waiting for a snow day, hot chocolate bought and usually a chore that I want to get done (that I have been putting off) on my snow day.  

This past week was interesting.  One snow day turned into two, and then four and finally five.  I saw moms go from pleasant cheerful women who enjoyed having a snow day, to updating their Facebook statuses to things like "I can't take it anymore",  "The kids WILL have school tomorrow", "My kids don't enjoy each other".

By the way, I'm not judging you if you did say that, think that or yell that.  I want to pose a question to you...10 or 15 years from now won't you wish you would have had more time with them?  Yes, I know they get on your nerves, they get on each others nerves, they fight, and they eat ALL the food but isn't that what they are supposed to do? They ARE children.  

Having extra snow days wasn't great on our schedule either but I just tried to relish in the fact that I had them home for a few more days.  Next month I will have a teenager in the house, a blossoming 11 year old young woman and Delaney Grace who turned 8 years old today.  My baby...8 years old..my oldest a teenager.  How can that be because I am so eh hem young?

The minute I had Emmitt Jeff and I started counting backwards.  We have 18 years (give or take) to help him be the person God has created him to be.  18 years to make childhood memories that will last him his entire life, 18 years to go on vacations and yes even 18 years of winter with a few snow days thrown in there.  The years go down as they get older and I know nothing happens when they turn 18 other than they are older, but with each passing year we cut the strings a little, let them go a little and watch them grow a little.  

Forgive me, I may be sounding a little sentimental but today marks a milestone for our family.  With Delaney turning 8 we no longer have a child in a booster seat/car seat.  Ya'll we have had that for the last 13 years.  I'm not sad about it, however it marks a new season in the Hasty family.  We now have older children.  They usually are more happy when they are home to be in their own rooms doing their thing, not watching Disney movies with mom and pop. 

In around 10 years they will be grown, off to college and dare I say possibly married?  Then it will be Jeff and I staring at each other no longer counting backwards.  And I can't help but think we will question did we do enough?  Were they happy enough? Did we teach them enough? I'm sure there will be regrets but hopefully, just maybe we were able to cherish each year, each snow day, each birthday, each laughter, each smile, each tear, and each milestone.  For too quickly they will be gone.  

Much love to you all and Happy Birthday to my sweet charismatic Delaney.  

Marsha

TBH?

"Carleigh, what are you doing?", "I'm sorry momma, she keeps texting me wanting me to do TBH."

I guess that the thing right now.  Kids leave a TBH (To Be Honest) to their friends.  What I have found though is that it's usually a child that needs to know what others think about them.  This particular girl for instance has a very low self esteem and is constantly need attention, and asking "Do I look pretty?"

Oh for the days that I actually worried what other people thought about me.  Do you think that comes with age?  Do we eventually get old enough to not really care what others think about us? I mean I care a little, but TBH (ha) I don't think I really WANT to know. 

Why?  Not because I think I have it all together. But because I really care what those closest to me think.   My desire is that those who know me the best respect me the most. (A line from the book I'm reading called The Circle Maker).  

One of life's biggest goals for me is that everything I do be to the best of my ability.  In my marriage, parenting, being a friend, when doing ministry, in school, as a sister, family member, daughter, etc.  Sometimes I have to put blinders on and not look to the left or right to see how other people are doing things.  I have to be secure with myself.  I have to come to place with God where we say "God, I can't do anything without you, and I'm asking you to help me today."  That's when I'm secure.  That's when I feel loved.  That's when I feel validated.  Knowing that as long as God and I have things in order, everything else is easy peasy.  

So I encourage you today....don't look to the right or left.  Look up for your security.  

 O Lord, You have looked through me and have known me. You know when I sit down and when I get up. You understand my thoughts from far away.  You look over my path and my lying down. You know all my ways very well.  Even before I speak a word, O Lord, You know it all.  You have closed me in from behind and in front. And You have laid Your hand upon me.  All You know is too great for me. It is too much for me to understand. Psalm 139:1-6

If the creator of the entire universe knows your every movement and cares about you, why worry what others think.  Keep on seeking him today.  

TBH...I think you all are fabulous for taking time out of your day to read my blog.  I know I'm very random with it, but I really want to post things that God puts on my heart.  I'm not that interesting ya'll!  Have a great day!

Marsha

A Not So Fun Subject

I've been MIA from the blog for a few months.  I apologize. If I'm honest I would say that I don't find myself interesting enough to blog a lot. Or I could say that I've been so busy (which I have) but honestly the first reason is the main reason.

My heart breaks this morning as I learned that the family member of a friend I've known for years now found out that they miscarried a baby. It brings to surface where I was at a few years back and those feelings aren't fun.

Last Sunday Jeff and I did a Cardboard Testimony at our church.  If you've never seen on there are several on Youtube.  We represented how God turned Loss and Grief into Hope and Peace. To say I cried a little is an understatement.  I cried so much my head hurt for the rest of they day. As much as we love to get up and talk about how we have HOPE in Jesus that we will see our babies again one day, it never takes away the fact that we would just rather have them here with us to watch them grow. We have had huge loss three times.  Each time we never thought we would make it through, but we did.

As time goes on we find more and more opportunities to help others that are experiencing the same kind of loss.  A loss that's hard for a person to talk about, taboo at times, but oh so real.  You see when a couple finds out they are pregnant they immediately start having hopes and dreams for that baby.  And when they find out that baby has passed away all of their hope and dreams pass away right along with the baby.

Just because you cannot see the baby inside of them doesn't mean that they loved them any less than if they carried a baby to full term. (Read that again, that's powerful).

I was reminded on Monday of a friend who's son went to be with Jesus 7 years ago.  You would never know the hurt she was experiencing that day, the process she was going through.  She was just wonderful, sweet, encouraging Barbara that day.

To the one just experiencing the grief process and hurt from losing a precious child, I'm SO sorry.  I wish we never have to experience things like this.  Do whatever you need to to heal.  You get a hall pass on this, take as much time as you need.  You will make it! I promise.  If I can so can you.

To the one who has a loved one who has experienced the loss of a baby or child can I give you some advice?  Please be patient with them.  Their hurt and loss is real, even if you never saw the baby yourself. Love on them, try not to tell them what to be thankful for (trust me, they don't want to hear it) and just be there for them.  Nothing you say really makes it better anyway.  It's something they have to go through.

I apologize for the not so fun subject. As I leave you today my heart is thankful that even though I too have experienced holding my sweet babies and then letting them go, that I can be used by God to help others.

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and remember all that you have to be thankful for!

Much love,

Marsha