Things should have been different.

 

Yesterday was Elijah’s due date. A day that I had dreaded since April 7.

He probably would have been born a little earlier considering that all three of the kids were just about 2 weeks early.  But, he for sure would have graced our presence by now.

This is what should have happened: He would have been showered with presents, flowers and visitors.  He would have been prayed over by everyone.  I would have kissed him from head to toe, counted every finger and toe, and cried and thanked God for him.  Daddy would have held him so proud of his “little guy”, and maybe, quite possibly cried even more than I.  I would have not been able to sleep at all for a while for fear that I might miss something with him.  He would have been passed around like a trophy.  He would have had countless pictures and video taken of his tiny self.  The kids would have come barreling through the hospital door so excited to meet their new brother.  Emmitt would have been so happy to FINALLY have a brother.  Carleigh would have been a mother hen to him.  And Miss Delaney would have beat up any child that came within 1 foot of him.  I can just hear her now,  “MY BROTHER!” I’m positive that there would have been a fight or two or three from our little angels over who would hold him, change his diaper, fed him, snap his car seat, put him in his crib and give him a bath.  Neal and Vivian would have came to the hospital to see their new grandson.  And Neal probably would have been a little shy at first, holding something so tiny.  Vivian probably would have cried and smiled from the time she got there, until the time she had to leave.  Mom and Dad and Angie and Tom would have been there with me the entire time until I had to tell them that it was okay to go home.  They would have made sure that every detail was covered.  They would have fed Jeff, watched the kids for us, and bought more presents for them than little Elijah would have gotten.  Angie would have come over every night after work to hold him and kiss his little face.  Tommy would have told her all the time “Let’s go see baby Eli”.  Jeff would have went to work very sleep deprived and very much smitten with his new son.  We would have probably been a little overwhelmed with 3 kids, a new baby, and school starting.

But that’s not what happened.  The reality is that we did get to meet Elijah. Just not the way we had hoped.  We said hello and goodbye in one breath.  We held him for 5 hours, but it might as well have been 5 minutes.  I feel like I blinked and our time on earth was up with him.  I did hold him, and kiss him, and love on him, it was just so quick.  I wish I could do it just one more time.

I was numb the entire day yesterday. You probably wouldn't have known I was upset, but I walked around feeling like someone had kicked me in the stomach.  Unfortunately or fortunately the day was very busy with just “stuff” and I didn’t get home until around 9 p.m. last night only to have to leave again to stop by mom and dad’s for something and head to Wal-mart for primer for Emmitt’s room.  I think I finally got home around 10:35 p.m.  I didn’t have any major meltdowns.  I didn’t want to cry, or pray, eat, or do anything….I was numb.

Thank you all for your prayers and emails and words of encouragement yesterday.  Thank you all for walking with us through this journey called grief.  It’s been a long hard road.  But we’re making it.  It has brought us ALL closer, and for that I’m truly grateful.

So, for now, I choose life.  I choose to cherish Elijah and let his memory be a happy one.  I choose to still be his mommy on earth even though he’s not with us.  I choose to not be depressed, after all, I have three other miracles and a husband to take care of.

Thank you Jesus for Elijah Jake Hasty born April 7, 2009.  Thank you that out of everyone on earth, you chose Jeff and I to be his parents.  Thank you that he gets to be with Jordan and Mia in heaven.  Thank you for strength to do this.  Thank you for family and friends that love and care about us and Elijah. 

Elijah, I love you buddy.  More than you know.  I’m so happy to be your mommy.  I can’t wait until the day that we meet again.

I just wish that things would have been different.