Precious Memories

Memories

They are what we have left of him now.

I will never forget the way he called me “Shug”

The way he looked on Christmas after we opened our gifts…he would go to his bedroom and come out with a roll or two of quarters that he hand rolled for each of his grandchildren.

Pulling up to his house and hearing him tell us how Jeff and I had a “keen” car.

Sitting on the porch with him watching the storm roll in.

Riding in his truck with Jenee singing “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way, Oh what fun it is to ride in PawPaw’s Chevrolet.

I have so many memories of him when I was little. Too many to mention today. We spent many summers, and holidays at Nana and PawPaw’s.

One of my most favorite memories happened three summers ago.  If you knew PawPaw in his later years you know that he couldn’t hear very well.  Often he would cup his hand over his ear when he was trying to hear what you were saying to him.

This particular day I had brought my children to spend time with him and NaNa.  They loved their house as much as we did.  What’s not to love about an infinite supply of treats, Little Debbie cakes, tractor rides, hugs, kisses and stories.  PawPaw decided that he would get his tractor out and give my kids a ride in the wagon attached to the back.  Just like he used to do with me when I was little.  They had so much fun.  It was the first and last time they were ever able to do that with him.  After they got off he put his tractor away and we walked around the yard as he showed me his sheds.  My youngest, Delaney, who was 4 years old at the time walked up to him, tugged on his pant leg and said “PawPaw can my do that again?”  He looked at her and clearly didn’t hear what she said so she repeated a little louder “PawPaw can my do that again?’ he looked at me, shrugged his shoulder and said “I can’t hear her hun?” So she stepped up to him, cupped her ear and yelled “PawPaw, CAN MY DO THAT AGAIN?”  To which he said “Huh?” I don’t think he ever understood what she was asking.  I laughed as he walked away.

Another memory that I have so vividly was after he had his stroke.  Angie and I stayed the night with him at the hospital.  He was very disoriented.  It was hard to keep him still and in bed.  Around 4 a.m. in the morning he decided he was going to get up and go mow the lawn.  So Angie and I trying to keep him from getting agitated just went with it.  We told him to lay still and we would take care of the yards.  He was pointing to imaginary keys on the wall that we pretended to grab.  He had us get the flashlight out and spotlight the room. Picture him having me at one point shine the flashlight above Angie’s head and had her reach frantically for the keys.  I looked at her and said “He’s completely sane now he’s just playing tricks on us.”

That last memory I wanted to share today is of my most memorable conversation I had with him. I have never ever talked with PawPaw about Jesus, God, faith, or anything like that.  I had heard him say he prays to the Good Lord but that was the extent of our spiritual talks.  The day he had his stroke we rushed down and I felt I needed to have that conversation with him should he pass away that day.  It was uncomfortable for me and I waited for the right moment when things were calm and there wasn’t a lot of people in the room.  I leaned in and asked him how he felt, in his spirit, meaning if he were to die today did he feel like he would meet Jesus?  To which he replied “Yes, I know Jesus, I talk to him every day.  If I have an ache or a pain I point to it and pray and he heals me.  And then for what seemed like an hour but was probably closer to a few minutes he began to quote scripture verse after verse, not missing words.  Keep in mind that he had just had a stroke and didn’t even know who I or he was at the moment.  But that word was deeply rooted in his spirit.  I am so thankful that I got a chance to pray with him that day.  When the nurse walked in he started to tell him “I was worried about how I was going to pay for all of this but we just prayed and I know God is going to work it all out because his word will not return void.”  I just happened to glance up at NaNa who was the only other person in the room and she sat in her chair shocked with her mouth wide open.  I think she thought that after all of those years together he had tuned her out.

So this memory is bittersweet for me.  I will miss him so much but I cling to the hope that I will see him again one day.  I have been telling him goodbye a little every day in my heart for the last year and nine months.  I knew this day would come.  And I know that saying goodbye to him is not the end.  Thankfully I will see him again.

My family got a chance after his stroke to love on him, tell him we loved him a million times, and take care of him like he had done for us through the years.  I call them bonus days with him. 

I will hold on to these memories so tightly.  Keeping him alive in my mind.

May I never forgot his laugh, the way he looked as he sat at the kitchen table eating his bologna sandwich with mayonnaise and onion, how he always had a dollar to give my children as we left to go home, they way he looked driving his prized red Chevy truck, or the way he looked from behind with his gray hair and wrinkly neck and blue jeans.

I have three babies in heaven right now. Although I know we will miss him on earth, Friday morning my angels just got to meet their Great PawPaw Leo. And I know that he will take care of them for me until we are all reunited.  

Thank you for letting me share my memories of a man I love dearly. And remember….Goodbye is not the end!

Happy Birthday Sweet Mia!

5 years with Jesus. In Heaven. With my loved ones that have passed.

That's how long my sweet Mia has been there. Those of you that have followed my story know that I gave birth to a sweet little girl on May 16th that was too precious for this earth.   We held her, kissed her, loved on her, told her how beautiful she was and how much we would miss watching her grow.

Sometimes it seems like forever ago and sometimes it seems like a minute.

At this point I don't ask for answers.  I have accepted the fact that it wasn't meant for Jeff and I to watch her grow. I choose not to spend my life wondering what if, why and how come?

So today, I tell her story with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

My baby girl is with Jesus. My Grandma and Grandpa Thurman. My great grandparents. Jeff's sweet Grandpa and Grandma Hasty.  Grandpa West. Grandpa King. Uncle Randy. My other babies-Jordan and Elijah. And many others.

She will soon meet PawPaw Leo. Is it weird that it gives me comfort in knowing that he will be with her and take care of her and his other grandchildren until we get there?  If so, oh well.

I tell you today that I wouldn't have made it without my husband, family, Jazzercise family, church family, and HOPE that I would see her again.

Thank you all for helping me keep her memory alive. Thank you for letting me tell her story when miscarriage and infant loss is a taboo subject to talk about.  Thank you for listening, encouraging, comforting, praying, laughing, supporting and just being there.

My life changed the day we met her five years ago and told her goodbye. But thanks to you all that's not the end of the story.

Mia Hope Hasty is a known name.  Her little body was tiny but she was beautiful and had "weight" in this world. 

I am the lucky one. I was chosen to be her momma and tell her story.  I will as long as I live.

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Girl! I miss you. I love you so much!

How big is your circle?

I am a Christian.  Not a weird, holy roller, snake dancing, religious freak.  Just a Christian.

My definition of being a Christian is to be Christ-like.

I'm full of sin, imperfections, pride and faults too numerous to count.  Most days I am far from being Christ-like but at least I strive to be.

I feel like because I claim to be I automatically get grouped in the gay bashing, full of hate, better than everyone else group.

That's just not me.

Watching the Bible series on the History Channel a few weeks ago reminded me that Jesus hung out with the outcasts, the hated ones, the poor, the unpopular crowd.

My goal my entire life (even in high school) was to NOT  be grouped with a certain type of friends.  Popular, unpopular, cheerleading clique, etc.

As I get older I realize that I still fight so hard to NOT be grouped with a certain type of people.

I want to love as Jesus loved, forgive has He still forgives, humble and not full of pride, and be  HOPE giver.  I want to speak life into your deepest darkest hours.

I believe that we all have a Circle of Influence.  You don't have to believe in God to have one.

You see eyes are always watching you.  People watch what you say on Facebook and social media, how you react to life's situations, how you treat people.  You may not realize it but it's true.  Having children brought that to home for me.  Little eyes are always watching me. YIKES!

So with that in mind I really try to go above and beyond to make up for the crazy Christians I try so hard to not be grouped with.  I tip big, leave hotel rooms spotless when we leave, smile and call a cashier by name, thank people, hold doors for people and smile, you know, little things that could make someones day.  Most importantly I do the right thing when NO ONE is watching.

So I'm asking you today-How big is your Circle of Influence?  No pressure but eyes are on you today.

I encourage you to go out there and change the world.  One good deed at a time.  Not because you are trying to be a good Christian, or appear to be perfect, but because you are a good person. Period.  I believe it makes the heart of God smile.  He's already so proud of you!

He's Still Working on me....THANKFULLY

There is an old song that I heard the Wallen family children sing probably no less than 100 times when I was young.  One of the verses goes like this:

"There really ought to be a sign upon my heart
  Don't judge me yet there's an unfinished part
  But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
  Fashioned by the masters loving hands"

I thought of the song today as I was weeding my memorial garden.  There were new weeds that had grown in over the winter covering the beautiful white rock that we picked out to go just perfect in the garden.  As I was pulling them I thought to myself "I'm not getting the root, I'm only taking the top off making it look pretty".  I stopped for a second to think about that. I was only making it look pretty temporarily.....but the root would make it grow back.

God so softly spoke into my heart "What other areas of your life do you make look pretty?  But you know the root is still there don't you?"  OUCH.  Talk about stepping on my toes a little.  

It's SO true.  

You see I'm a stasher.  My house most days is ready for company.  I like to clean.  I like organization.  I like things to look pretty. I like perfect.

But....I also stash things.  My sub basement most days is a complete disaster because no one usually sees that part of my home.  I work on the parts of my home that people see, but what they can't see is a MESS.

For instance, if you walked into my cute French Country kitchen you would probably think it's clean.  However I dare you to open up my Tupperware door.  You would find this:

Boy I'm literally airing my dirty laundry aren't I?

On the surface everything is neat and clean and pretty.  But please don't touch the spice door or you may just end up wearing the cinnamon as it falls on you.

So, my God moment today taught me to quit stashing and making things look pretty.  It doesn't do me any good to pull life's weeds if the root still remains.  I need to work on the ROOT of issues.  I need to let God work on the root and make me into what He wants me to be.

Sometimes I think I have learned so much in my 36 years and then WAMMO something knocks me down and helps me realize I have so much more to learn.

I don't have it all together.  My life sometimes isn't very pretty.  We live in a photoshop-autocorrect world.  If we don't like the way we look in a certain picture we can simply correct it with a filter and then it's perfect.

So what I'm telling you is this-maybe together you and I can just be real?  Not pretty-real!  Let's let God mold us into His image instead of a perfect image that we've created.  Without Him we can do nothing anyway.  (I've learned that the hard way).

Hope you have a wonderful weekend.  Tomorrow is my little Elijah's birthday. Bittersweet.

Blessings,

Marsha

I get this way every year, pardon me.

It happens every year like clockwork.  I spend December planning for the Christmas. 

January planning for Delaney's birthday in February.

February celebrating Delaney's birthday and planning for Emmitt's birthday in March.

March we spoil our firstborn son in as many ways possible and prepare for Easter.

And then along comes April.

What is it about April that makes me have a flood of emotions on opposite sides?

You see on Sunday, April 7th we will celebrate our son Elijah's birthday.  I had him 4 years ago. I said hello and goodbye. I said hello and GOODBYE.

I'm okay.  I really am. I miss him and all the things I never had the chance to do with him on this earth.  However, Carleigh and Delaney never forget to remind me that it is his birthday.  And every year like clock work they want to have a party for him also.

So we find ourselves planning something for him because after all he is their brother and our son.  I usually find something to put around the memorial garden for him.

I will say it doesn't sting as much to think about him as it did a few years ago.  Now when I think of him I have peace and usually end up with a smile on my face.  (That is a MIRACLE). I never thought I would be able to say that.

So if you see me come April 7th and I'm acting a little funny, indifferent, not like myself you will know why.  I try to be strong but when it comes down to it I just REALLY wish I had him still.  That is never going to change. I'm a mom who has lost three of her children, two of which I held in my arms. 

And then comes Mia's birthday on May 16th, 5 years ago. 

And for those of you out there that try to comfort me by saying things like "Just be thankful for what you have". Well, I AM. It doesn't make me miss him any less or mean that I love him more than my other children. So please, I don't want to hear it. I pray you never know what it's like to lose a child because then you would know.

That's all for now.  Not a "fun" post. I don't want to pretend that I have it all together. Just me being REAL with you, and I hope that okay.

I promise, I will be my cheery self next post okay?  Maybe I'll even throw in some of Delaney's quotes.  That is surely to make you laugh.

We also have lots of fun things planned for April at the Hasty Household. 

Praying your April is full of Spring fun and blessings!

Marsha

She's got a way about her. I don't know what it is? But I know that I can't live without her!

Have you ever tried something for the first time and loved it and thought "Where have you been all of my life?"

It's like you love it and didn't even know you were missing it.

That's exactly the way I felt when I met Delaney Grace (my youngest) for the first time.

After having my first two so close together we waited for a little while to have another baby.  I loved every moment of my pregnancy with her (other than throwing up all the time for the first three months). I couldn't wait to meet her.  Would she be our last?  Would this be our last pregnancy?  We thought so. 

So we captured every moment on tape.  Took thousands of pictures.  Bought all new EVERYTHING for her.

I will never forget how pretty she was.  I know, I know, every momma thinks their child is pretty.  But Delaney's red hair and perfect complexion made her perfection.

Just like with Carleigh I had bows in her hair two minutes after coming out of the womb (not exactly but you get the point).  And I don't think I slept for days.  Not because she kept me up crying.  I didn't want to sleep with her around.  I wanted to hold her, kiss her, cherish her because I knew just like with my first two children she would quickly grow up.

I had crazy people tell me "Watch out because three is going to rock your world". Or "With three they are never in the same mood.  Someone is always unhappy".    Three was our magic number.  We were ALL happy she was here.

Since then, 7 years ago today, there have been moments of joy with her, moments where I wanted to pull my hair out, moments of laughing until I cry and moments of "Oh my gosh did she really just say that?"

I have kissed her boo boos, wiped her tears, kissed her cheeks off, spanked her little cushy bottom (shock, gasp...she probably laughed while I did it).  I have read thousands of books to her, rocked her to sleep, cuddled with her, sang to her, give her correction, worked on spelling her name, counting money and all of the other things she needed to learn.

My prayer is that it was enough.  Enough kisses, love, correction, support, encouragement, laughter, and teachable moments.

 

You see I am her BIGGEST fan.  Her momma.  Her cheerleader.  And when she is older hopefully she will call me her friend.

Don't we all need that?  We need someone to wipe our tears, calm our fears, cheer us on and correct us when we need it even when it hurts both of us.

If you feel like you don't have that tonight I want you to remember that their is a God who loves YOU just like I love my little Laney.  As much love as I have for her doesn't even compare to the love that God has for us.

I cannot imagine sending any of my children to die for anyone but He did just that.  So you and I could be free from the law of sin and death and have eternal life. (I'm preaching now, somebody give me an amenah).

So today (and for the past several days) we have lavished our love on her. We have told her we loved her a millions times and told her how we couldn't believe she is such a big girl.  We made her hopes and dreams come true for her birthday.

I urge you to not loose hope.  There is a father in heaven just waiting to lavish his love on you if you let him.  He calls you friend.  What do you call him?

Yes, there will be many more birthdays. But tonight I'm thanking God for 7 years with a red headed, feisty, smart, witty, candy loving, not afraid to say anything girl.  I cannot wait to see how He is going to use her.  All eyes are on you God.

Don't wait until Valentines Day!

A little note that says I love you.

A favorite meal made for you just because.

A text that says I miss you.

Taking out the trash instead of waiting for your spouse to do it.

A big hug when they aren't expecting it.

A smile and a hello when they walk through the door after a long day of work.


Sometimes when the above mentioned happens it changes the entire course of our day doesn't it?

Don't we all want to feel like we are loved, appreciated, respected, missed, wanted, needed?

Jeff and I are far from a perfect marriage. However I have no problems in saying that we try VERY hard at our relationship, and it is VERY rewarding.  We have been together for a really long time (over 20 years).  We have grown up together, grow apart at times, grown back together again and etc.

What I've learned over the years is that a relationship takes great patience and compromise.  I'm not always going to have those heart fluttering feelings that I had when we first met (although they are stronger now than then).  Add a few kiddos, jobs, school, home maintenance, bills, family time and then life gets in the way and our feelings can become as mundane as life.  It's much easier be selfish. The more difficult thing to do is to try hard at being a good spouse, but the rewards outweigh being selfish by a long shot.  And then it gets easier.

Sometimes when I don't agree with Jeff 's position on something (did I just admit to that) instead of getting mad at him I pray that God would change MY heart.   Maybe it's time we to take a good look in the mirror and see if there are things that we can adjust instead of waiting for our spouse to change.  Ouch that hurts.

Hang in there friend. You may not have the perfect relationship but I believe you can have a pretty darn great one. 

One of my favorite quotes from Martin Luther
"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave."

Those are such great words aren't they?  Wow.  Think about that for a minute.

So I said all of that to say this...don't wait until Valentines Day to let him/her know what they mean to you.  Tell them on a Tuesday for no reason.  Make them their favorite lunch and stick a love note inside.  Let them have the night off by doing the chores they normally do around the house just because you love them. 

Those things don't take tons of money but are priceless to the heart of your loved one. 

Make them feel special today just because.  Don't just wait until Valentines Day!

Proverbs 31:10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
¹¹ Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
¹² She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
¹³ She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
²² She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
²³ Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
²⁴ She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
²⁵ She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
²⁶ She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
²⁷ She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
²⁸ Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
²⁹ “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
³⁰ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.